The Joys of Shopping at Walmart
by Safiya
Summary: Malik takes a trip to Wal-Mart. Slight shounen-ai implied. Laugh, cry, feel the love! XD


This popped into my head while I was cleaning and found this paper titled "Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your Significant Other Is Taking His/Her Sweet Time Shopping". Hehe... Here we go! Oh, and there is some slight yaoi implied... ^^  
  
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Malik Ishtal awoke to the sound of a very annoying buzzing noise somewhere to his left. After groping around in a half sleep, the blonde Egyptian eventually found the snooze button on the cursed alarm clock. It wasn't long before the offending piece of machinery began chirping again with renewed zeal. Once again, the teen felt around, only semi-conscious, and quieted the little clock. But, after five minutes, the small mechanical menace started up its extremely annoying beeps. Malik had just about had enough with the tiny piece of hell, so he threw it out the window with a rather satisfying 'crunch' following afterwards.  
  
He returned back to bed, being very pleased with his accomplishment. The violet-eyed male snuggled deeper under the covers and buried his head in a pillow. In a few moments, the youth was sleeping soundly, as if nothing had happened. This was not meant to last for Malik, even as cute as he was nestled in the lavender sheets, because his koi, Ryou Bakura, entered the room.  
  
"Malik Ishtal!" he said, with his hands on his hips. "You'd better get your rear end out of that bed now!"  
  
Malik groaned and rolled over, pulling the down pillow over his shimmery blonde locks.  
  
Ryou was not about to give up so easily, and marched over to the bed. He pulled the blankets off Malik's prone form. Said blonde immediately scrunched up into the fetal position; his body going into shock from heat loss.  
  
"Ryooo~ooou!" he moaned. "That's cooo~ooold!"  
  
"Then get up and you won't be cold," Ryou replied before exiting the room.  
  
Malik grumbled and complained to himself as he pulled on black leather pants and his favorite lavender half shirt. He then clamped on two gold armbands and slid the Millenium Rod into his belt loop.  
  
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Downstairs, Ryou was busily preparing breakfast: eggs, bacon, and sausage. It was a dish that Ryou especially liked. Malik stomped down the stairs and plopped into one of the kitchen chairs.  
  
"Morning, sunshine," Ryou said with a smile.  
  
"Easy for you to say," Malik grumbled with his forehead on the edge of the kitchen table.  
  
Ryou just shook his head and whacked Malik's head good-naturedly. The snowy- haired male had found out long ago that Malik was not a morning person.  
  
"Do you always have to wear purple shirts?" Ryou inquired.  
  
"It's not purple!" he crowed, while glaring at Ryou. "It's lavender! Lavender!! LAVENDER!!!:  
  
Ryou just stared at Malik blankly, (O.O) until the before mentioned blonde stared at the food Ryou held in his hands.  
  
"Are you gonna gimme that or what?" Malik said indignantly.  
  
Ryou sighed and set the food down on the table. Malik dug in without any sign of manners, while Ryou ate with more... etiquette.  
  
"Guess where we're going today?" the more politer of the two asked.  
  
Malik shrugged. Not that he could've said anything anyway; his mouth was full of food.  
  
"You're coming with me to Wal-Mart."  
  
Malik almost sprayed half-chewed bacon.  
  
"But, but, Ryou!" he exclaimed. "Wal-Mart is EVIL!!! I can't go there!"  
  
"Nonsense," Ryou replied. "Malik Ishtal, you are seventeen years old and you haven't been out of this house in weeks. You. Are. Coming. With. Me."  
  
The last few words were said slowly, with danger laced in each one. For a split second, Malik thought that Bakura had taken over his koi again, but then Ryou's pleasant smile returned.  
  
"We leave in fifteen minutes," the albino lad chirped, much to the dismay of his partner.  
  
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Roughly forty-five minutes later the duo entered the evilness that is Wal- Mart. Ryou wheeled a cart out of its place and began walking down to the food aisles. Malik reluctantly followed, his shifty eyes examining everyone. Malik had only been to Wal-Mart once with Isis, and the experience had been traumatizing.  
  
He shuddered at the memory of being in the toy aisles and then some fatso lady sneaking up behind him and grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him away. Malik had immediately began screaming and kicking, causing many to stare at him. It was only after Isis had found him that the ten-year-old had stopped crying. It turns out the hippo lady was only trying to help him find Isis, but Malik, of course, never believed it. So, in his heart, he vowed never to set foot in the evil realm of Wal-Mart.  
  
As Malik was reminiscing, Ryou had sped off to another department, leaving the poor Egyptian bishie all alone. Malik came out of his train of thought and panicked when he could not find Ryou. After a few minutes of frantic running, his koi refused to reveal himself. Malik pouted and thought for a moment, and then a plan formulated itself in the blonde's head. He smiled a not so sane-looking smile before darting off into the depths of Wal-Mart.  
  
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Many people eyed a certain exotic, blonde male as he darted about the different departments while humming the theme song from "Mission Impossible". One mother scooted her little boy around the other side of the toy aisle, muttering something about "crazies".  
  
Malik continued his journey past toy airplanes and packages of Goooze until he reached his destination.  
  
"Ah ha!" he shouted gleefully as he put phase one of his plan to action.  
  
It wasn't that long before Malik was cackling contentedly to himself as he surveyed his work: the entire aisle was covered in a life-size battle between X-men action figures and the ever popular G. I. Joe dolls. The blonde hurriedly moved from side to side, coaching each of the toys to victory.  
  
"No, no, Professor X!" he exclaimed. "Wolverine has to attack Desert Storm G.I. Joe, or the plan won't work!"  
  
After scuttling over to the army men's side, Malik bent down and began whispering to what looked like the head commander of the camouflaged mini men.  
  
"Now listen, private," he hissed, "the enemy isn't expecting any attack to their flank. My suggestion would be to send a strike team in to attack their front, but send the bulk of your forces to annihilate them from behind. Do you understand?!?!"  
  
Just then, a pair of younger boys appeared.  
  
"Cool!" one said.  
  
"How'd you do that?" the other exclaimed.  
  
Malik smiled and shrugged.  
  
"You guys wanna play with them? I'm kinda bored."  
  
"Sure!" both kids said.  
  
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After leaving the two kids to play with the mass armies of action figures, Malik skittered off. He switched the signs of the women's and men's restrooms, and smirked as a woman screamed after entering what she thought was the correct bathroom.  
  
He was just about ready to journey elsewhere, when an employee strode over and asked, "Can I help you?" Malik immediately burst into tears.  
  
"Why won't you people just leave me alone!!!" he wailed.  
  
The apparently disturbed, and very underpaid man backed away from the distraught teen. When the other male disappeared, Malik returned to normal and walked up to the nearest person and asked if they had any Grey Poupons. How Malik knew what the heck poupons were, I do not know. But, nevertheless, he asked and was met with a blank stare.  
  
"Fine," Malik said, "be that way!"  
  
He stomped off into the hunting department where he was fascinated with all the shiny guns.  
  
"Hey!" he said. "Can I look at this?" Malik inquired.  
  
The clerk eyed him suspiciously, but unlocked the cabinet and handed Malik a .22 caliber rifle. The blonde looked over the weapon with the curiosity of a two-year-old. And then, out of the blue, he asked:  
  
"Do you know where the anti-depressants are?"  
  
This caused the quick removal of the gun from Malik's hands and the clerk to shoo him away from all weapons of destruction. The Egyptian huffed, but left quietly, but not before sticking out his tongue at the mean employee.  
  
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After moving all the "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpeted areas and setting all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals, Malik spied the fitting rooms. Snickering to himself, he grabbed a random item of clothing off the shelf and entered. He gazed at himself in the full length mirror for a few moments before remembering his mission. He took a deep breath and yelled:  
  
"HEY! I'M OUTTA TOILET PAPER IN HERE!!!"  
  
He quickly made off to the exit before anyone could figure out who had yelled.  
  
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Malik was now very bored. He still had yet to find Ryou, and he was getting hungry. Finding a few dollars in his pants, he headed off to the little refreshment place.  
  
"I'd like a Coke," he said, pulling out two dollars. "And, could you put one of the little paper umbrellas in it? I don't get out often..."  
  
The lady behind the counter stared at him oddly, before handing him the beverage......with no umbrella. Malik sighed and continued on his quest. Just then, a voice came over the intercom system, asking Paula to pick up on line three. This caused Malik to go into a spasm as he curled up into a little ball on the floor, dropping his drink and crying out:  
  
"The voices!!! They've come back!! AH!!!"  
  
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Running like a madman from the five men who were trying to capture Malik and possibly cart him of to a mental institution, the blonde Egyptian ducked into a clothes rack and sighed in relief as the men dashed by.  
  
A unsuspecting shopper was browsing through the clothes rack and was very shocked to hear a little voice squealing "pick me!" over and over. The now disturbed shopper quickly skittered away from the possessed clothes rack, which wasn't actually possessed. There was just a semi-sane teen by the name of Malik Ishtal sitting inside it, but the shopper did not know this.  
  
Malik decided to try and seriously look for Ryou, but when another employee passed by, he couldn't resist the temptation. He walked up to the woman, and, in a very official tone, said:  
  
"I think we have a code three in housewares."  
  
He watched with an immense amount of satisfaction as a look of complete horror cam over the girl's face and she dashed off in the direction of housewares, while screaming into her walkie-talkie, "We have a code three in housewares! I repeat: a code three in housewares!!!"  
  
Malik then spotted a head of pure white hair and zoomed over to the individual. It was Ryou.  
  
"Oh," the boy said. "I was just going to page you."  
  
"You all done?" Malik asked, eyeing the bags in Ryou's hands.  
  
"Yes, let's go."  
  
As they were leaving, there were screams and shouts coming from all over various places in the store. Most likely coming from unfortunate individuals that had unknowingly stepped into one of Malik's many boobytraps.  
  
"So," Ryou began, "did you have a good time?"  
  
"Yes," Malik replied with a psychotic grin on his face. "Ya know, Ryou-koi," he continued, placing an arm around his boyfriend, "I think we should come to Wal-Mart more often."  
  
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Well, 1,882 words and eight pages later, here is my first fic.  
  
^^  
  
I want to thank everyone for reading and I ask you all to review. Onegai? Also, if anyone has any other ideas for another story, please, don't hesitate to tell me.  
  
Arigotou for reading!!! Ja ne!!! 


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